My patient today was my age with ESRD. Makes me think about how lucky I am. To be healthy is to have so much opportunity.
I went with her to dialysis. Dialysis was absolutely amazing. It's so interesting, how it works, how a machine can actually function as the kidneys should. There's a lot to it...the nurses who work in dialysis are so knowledgeable on fluids and electrolytes, which is difficult, but quite interesting. I think I could work there. They get to know their patients because chronic dialysis patients have to come in 3 times a week.
Anyway. The process was about 3 hours, so I kept her company. She was able to tolerate it better than ever before with me there and stay longer. That made me feel worthwhile. I often feel like I'm not doing anyone a bit of good as a student nurse; I'm awkward, slow, and I get in the way. I didn't need to hold her hand today or say anything incredibly profound...I was just there. I was there while we watched TLC and there to ask her about her life and her feelings. I love the connection I get to make with people as a student nurse. Sometimes I hate clinicals, but then I remember how good it makes me feel, and how today, she actually told me that without me, she wouldn't have been able to stay and she would have had worse anxiety. I'm worth something to someone!
As I was leaving the hospital, I ran into someone I had worked with at another facility. She recognized me before I recognized her, which is odd, because I feel that all too often, people forget my face when I remember then, which is kind of a sad feeling! But she really remembered me and she was kind enough to say, "You're going to be a good nurse. You have the personality for it." My patient last week also said, "You're going to make it."
It's not just nice, but really necessary to hear that from people. Honestly, 99% of the time, I feel completely lost, like today, I had the hardest time giving a medication and got in trouble because I should have known the procedure. There are just so many procedures to learn, medications to memorize, books to read, places to be, etc. etc. etc.
God knows how to put the right people in my life at the right time. I usually love my patients and they are honestly soooo encouraging to me. I'm doing this for them. I really do want to help them and for that, I will endure everything else, being chastised by my instructor, late nights, early mornings, panic attacks....a simple sentence makes it all worth it.
Thank you, patients, for teaching me about kindness and love and life.
